So Sorry
by DILestrudel
Summary: Jay and Tim find Alex in the abandoned hospital. Suicide trigger warning.


Bits of broken glass and grit crunched under Jay and Tim's feet, disturbing the eery silence of the abandoned hospital. It had been Tim's idea to return, much to Jay's surprise. To look for Alex. Jay had agreed to return to the hospital simply because they were running out of places to look in for him, where they thought he might be. Or at least clues as to where he was. Jay kicked a small chunk of fallen concrete with his toe, pointing his flashlight around the dark building, following the beam of light with a camera. Jay glanced over at Tim, who was picking up a discarded piece of plywood from the floor to look underneath it. Jay couldn't see his face, but he imagined that Tim was feeling quite uneasy, being back here. Jay had been avoiding suggesting that they come back here, not wanting to put Tim through this. But he would have been stupid to not agree to coming when Tim himself had suggested it. Apparently finding nothing, Tim sat the plywood back down. "Should we go check out some of the rooms?" Jay whispered, gesturing to the dark hallway with his flashlight. "Yeah." Tim whispered back, adjusting his chest-cam with his flashlight free hand before training it on the dark hallway and following Jay down it.

Jay crept at an agonizingly slow pace, acutely aware of the pounding of his heart in his chest. He was certain that they would find something here tonight, the Operator himself, maybe. Or the hooded man. Taking a deep breath, Jay shone his flashlight into one of the many rooms down the hall. After checking all the corners, Jay was satisfied that it was clear of any obvious threats. Walking into the room, Jay checked for anything that might have been left behind. Tapes or notes. But the room was empty, aside from rubble and decay. Tim was waiting for him in the hall, having checked the room across the hair. "Anything?" Jay asked, barely audible. Tim shook his head. The pair moved on, Jay taking the room on the right and Tim taking the room on the left. Jay had seen this room before. He recognized the writing on the walls, scrawled in black paint. 'Follow me' and, on the far wall, 'He is a liar'. Jay touched he peeling paint on the wall, checking among the dead leaves and bricks for something. Anything. "Jay. Jay!" Tim said as loudly as he dared from the doorway, making Jay jump violently. Training his flashlight on Tim, Jay immediately noticed the tape in his hand. It's case was scratched and grimy, but the tape itself looked unharmed. "Here, your pockets are deeper." Tim whispered, handing the tape to Jay, who turned it over in his palm. A splotch of rusty brown adorned the corner of the case, now that Jay saw it up close. He tried to ignore the suspicion that it was blood as he pocketed the tape.

After checking the remaining rooms, Tim and Jay regrouped in the hall, having found nothing else. "Should we check the maintenance tunnel?" Tim whispered. "Why not?" Jay shrugged, very clearly remembering their last encounter in the maintenance tunnel. It took them several minutes of picking their way down the halls, avoiding anything that would make too much noise and alert anyone else of their presence, to reach the maintenance room. Jay automatically crossed the room to look at the tunnel itself. Dropping to his stomach, Jay laid flat and played the light of his flashlight on the narrow walls and pipes of the tunnel. There was nothing in the immediate view, but Jay knew that there was much more to the tunnel than the opening. Pulling himself back up to a standing position, he turned around to find Tim watching him expectantly. "Anything?" he asked quietly. "No. But we can go down and check later. After we've finished looking here." Jay said. Tim looked put off by this suggestion, but said nothing. Jay gestured for Tim to follow him to a section of exposed pipes that, Jay thought, would be a perfect place to hide tapes. Jay pointed his camera into the crevices, watching the screen instead of using his hands to fumble around in the dark. The search turned up nothing. No tapes or dolls or papers. Just pipes and a few spindly spiders. Behind him, Jay heard Tim come to a sudden halt, his feet sliding on the gritty floor. Turning around, Jay watched as Tim quickly trained his flashlight on the far corner of the room, behind a short wall that had crumbled in half, all the bricks and plaster having fallen on the side that they could see. "I saw something." Tim whispered harshly, walking towards the wall. Jay had no choice but to follow him, directing his flashlight on the wall as well.

Tucked behind the wall was a space several feet wide and about six feet deep. Tim saw him first, shining a light directly in his face. Alex seemed fairly unphased by their sudden appearance. Jay stood slightly behind Tim, regretting now that both of his hands were holding objects that wouldn't be helpful if Alex attacked them. But he wasn't... Jay was confused by this. Alex sat in the very back corner, pressed against the wall. His knees were drawn up to his chest, and he was wearing his old blue striped sweater. It was stained with various things, mud and, in places, blood. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, his eyes sunken and dark. Bloodshot. His hair was matted and unkempt. Alex looked terrible. "What do you want?" Tim asked, no longer whispering. His voice seemed unnaturally loud in comparison to the quiet building. Alex glared at them, a muscle in his jaw twitching. He said nothing. "Alex..." Jay said, a bit more gently. This was the first time Jay had seen him in months, and the last time, Alex had been threatening him with a gun. This was a much different encounter. Tim stepped towards Alex a few feet, crossing the threshold of the wall. "I asked you what do you WANT?" Tim shouted angrily, clearly agitated with the lack of response. Alex remained silent, squeezing his eyes shut. He looked like he was in pain, fighting with himself internally. Alex wrapped his arms around his knees, pulling them even closer to his chest. Tim looked back at Jay, concerned. "What is he doing?" Tim asked. "I...I don't know.." Jay said, stepping closer. Alex visibly relaxed, opening his eyes to look at Jay and Tim. He looked younger. Confused. "What?" he asked, his voice ragged, like he hadn't used it in a long time. He looked like a child, curled up in the corner, looking at them with scared eyes. Jay was startled by this sudden change.

Alex stood up shakily, looking even more confused. "Alex?" Tim asked, his tone unsure. In the blink of an eye, Alex changed again. He was the Alex they had expected to find. Jay and Tim were confused by this change, and both were equally surprised by the gun that Alex removed from his back pocket. Tim and Jay stepped backwards quickly, stumbling over the debris from the wall. Alex pointed the gun at them, his hand shaking slightly. But he wasn't looking at Tim or Jay. He wasn't focused on anything at all. The pained expression returned to his face, and the hand holding the gun dropped loosely to his side. Once again, Alex opened his eyes, looking confused and tired, like he had just fought a battle and forgot about it. He looked Jay and Tim over, before looking at the gun in his own hand, a mild look of shock on his face. Jay watched him, curious. Alex suddenly locked eyes with Jay, and Jay froze. So much emotion registered in Alex's eyes. Fear, confusion, and sadness. Jay opened his mouth slightly, trying to find something to say. He was so busy trying to distinguish the emotions in Alex's eyes and trying to find the right words to say that he barely noticed Alex's hand, bringing the gun to the side of his head. Alex's eyes never left Jay as he did it. Jay didn't register the deafening bang and Tim's scream of "NO!"

He couldn't move, couldn't think. He simply watched as Alex crumpled to the ground, hitting the wall halfway down and sliding the rest of the way. The look of horror on Tim's face snapped Jay out of it enough to remember to breath. Tim had a fine mist of blood on his face and shirt. Jay touched his own face, his hand coming away bloody. Droplets of Alex's blood had landed on his lips, his hair, everywhere. Jay felt sick, the world spinning. The image of Alex, who had moments before been curled in the corner like a child, seared into his brain. Tim was pacing now, hands in his hair, breathing raggedly. "Why? Why would he...?!" Tim shouted, his voice cracking. Jay stared blankly at Tim, unsure of how to react. Alex had looked like a child, confused and scared. And then he had... Jay vomited, suddenly overwhelmed by it all. Squatting, Jay squeezed his eyes shut tightly, blotches of purple appearing behind his eyelids. He felt Tim's hand on his shoulder, squeezing slightly. Jay opened his eyes again and stood up, the world spinning again. Jay's vision went dark for a few moments, his ears ringing. Tim was still squeezing his shoulder, but Jay found no comfort in it. They both still had Alex's blood on their faces. Jay violently scrubbed his face with the sleeve of his jacket, crying now. Tim was crying quietly too from somewhere behind Jay. Tearing off his blood stained jacket, Jay threw it to the ground like it was on fire. Looking around, Jay realized he had dropped his camera. He hadn't even noticed. It lay a few feet away from Alex now, still recording his still feet and the wall. Jay tentatively approached it, plucking it up and turning the camera off. There was nothing left to record. "We should...we should check his pockets." Tim said, his voice tight. Jay nodded, but held out an arm to stop Tim as he approached Alex. "No. I'll...I'll do it." Jay said. Tim nodded tightly, stepping back. Jay shakily crossed the short space to reach Alex and kneeled down next to him. Gingerly, Jay tugged at the pocket of Alex's blood soaked sweater. Inside were his glasses. Jay blinked away the tears and took another deep breath, moving on to his pants pockets. Inside his right pocket was a tape, which Jay put in his own pants pocket, which now both contained a tape. Jay started to stand up, but resumed kneeling, reaching into Alex's sweater pocket again and removing his glasses. Gently, Jay took Alex's free hand, the one that didn't still loosely hold the gun, and put the glasses gently in his palm. Laying the arm gently back down across Alex's chest, Jay tried not to think about how warm it still was as he stood up.

Tim looked at Jay expectantly, unable to see what Jay was doing from where he had been standing. "A tape." Jay said flatly, answering Tim's unspoken question. Tim nodded, and with one final glance at Alex's crumpled form, turned and left the room. Jay followed him, staring at the ground. Neither of them spoke as they got in the car, and the drive back to the hotel was equally silent. Tim opened the door, ignoring the obnoxious beep it made, and both of them trudged inside. Silently, Jay sat the tapes on the hotel desk next to his camera. Tim removed his chest-cam and sat it next to Jay's camera. Jay then removed fresh clothes from his bag on the floor and locked himself in the bathroom. Turning the water to allow it to get warm, Jay slowly stripped off his bloody clothes. Stepping into the now scalding water, Jay sighed, allowing the water to assault his face. It was far too hot, but he couldn't bring himself to change the temperature. Instead, he watched the blood wash from his hair and swirl down the drain around his feet, discolouring the water a rusty brown for a few moments before it disappeared. Jay felt hollow, numb. He couldn't bring himself to feel pity or relief. All he could think about was how Alex's eyes hadn't left his. He stayed under the water as long as he dared, watching his feet prune. Finally, he turned the water off and methodically dried himself off. Dressing in clean clothes, he gathered the dirty ones and threw them in a pile on top of his bag. He didn't meet Tim's eye as he passed him in the room, and Tim did not press for conversation.

Jay sat down on the edge of his bed, turning the TV on with the volume on low and staring at it without really watching. He listened as Tim turned the shower on, taking one of his own. His was much shorter than Jay's, and he stepped out of the bathroom still drying his hair. "Hey...Jay?" he said, his voice quiet and gentle. Jay looked at him, his expression blank. "Should we...watch the tapes now?" Jay stared at Tim for a few moments before nodding. Slowly, he stood up from the bed and walked to the desk, retrieving his camera and the tapes. Setting aside the tape Tim had found, Jay picked up the tape he had taken from Alex. Quietly, Jay removed the tape from his camera and put that one in. He sat down on the bed, and Tim sat down next to him. Jay hit play. The video was dark and silent for forty seconds, but Jay continued to watch. Suddenly, the small screen erupted into static, the sound masking and distorting a voice that Jay could only assume was Alex's. The static abruptly cut off, now showing the ground of an abandoned building. Alex was walking, the camera pointing down at his feet, which occasionally appeared in the frame alongside the rubble. Alex then appeared to set the camera down, and he appeared in the frame himself now. "The hospital..." Tim said quietly, and Jay now recognized the building behind Alex, who was staring at the camera. He was wearing the same blue striped sweater, but did not look as run down and beaten as he had hours ago. Alex continued to stare at the camera, and he looked like he was trying to find words. "I'm sorry." he said finally, staring directly into the camera. "I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm sorry I got anyone involved.. I didn't mean to... I didn't..." he stopped talking, his eyes shifting to the floor. He appeared to gather himself again, looking back at the camera. "I'm so sorry." The video dissolved into static once more before beginning to loop the last few seconds of the video over and over. "So sorry." Alex repeated over and over again, the video gradually becoming more and more distorted. It continued on like that for the rest of the video.

Neither Tim nor Jay felt like commenting on the video. Instead, Tim grabbed the other tape from the desk and handed it to Jay, who put the tape in. The small screen came to life, showing the abandoned hospital once again. Whomever was behind the camera seemed to be keeping as quiet as they could, approaching a hallway. Some sort of muffled sound registered in the videos audio. The camera peeked out from around the corner to reveal a long hallway. Light streamed in from the open doors at the end of it. It appeared to be early afternoon. Halfway down the hall, in the middle of the floor, was Alex. He was doubled over and appeared to be sobbing. Hard. He did not notice the person with the camera. The video continued for another three minutes, showing Alex having an apparent breakdown. Finally, he steadied himself and stood up, and the camera disappeared around the corner and the person holding it snuck out of the building. The video ended there. "I'm going to bed." Jay said abruptly, removing the tape and picking up the one from Alex. He sat them along with his camera back on the desk. "Oh... okay..." Tim said, surprised. Jay quietly pulled back the covers, climbing into bed and tucking himself in. Tim clicked the light off and Jay listened as he settled himself into his own bed. Tim fell asleep first, after an hour. Jay stared at the wall, trying his best to fall asleep. He saw Alex's eyes, staring back at him each time he closed his own. Jay felt himself slipping into unconsciousness, despite his racing mind. His body was shutting down out of pure exhaustion. Jay's final conscious thoughts were of Alex, and how much he resembled a child in his final moments. Of how he had never wanted any of this to happen. Of how he had been the last thing Alex had ever seen.


End file.
